July 1, 2016 - Umm

I almost forgot about you.

I'm so sorry. I just didn't have the energy.

I kept telling myself that I'm ok. I'm lucky. That I shouldn't complain. I mean, I have a roof above my head, food to eat, water to drink, internet and other luxuries. But I just feel empty. So empty.

So I resolved talking to you, reader, who ever you are. Where ever you are. I hope you're having a meaningful life. :)

Don't worry about me, I won't commit suicide or some sh8t. I'm a tough baby (adventure time ref HA!). And I've been through worse. Do you wanna hear about it? Not really? Well, sucks to be you 'cause you don't have a choice, I'm telling it anyway hahahaa

   I grew up in a small community, sort of like a town or something. I have strict parents, but i'm not complaining, I love them and I thank God for giving them to me. Without them I might not be as good as a person I am now. So, I went in an elementary school near by, REALLY near by, the school was two streets away. I used to go home during lunch periods - the gatekeeper new me as a good and 'smart' kid and would let me go, yeah I know, looking back at it, it was weird how easily I could've been kidnapped or worse- And thus, school didn't feel like school to me. School felt like a park, a playground, another home. I got comfortable, too comfortable. I disregarded my education, thinking it was unimportant and focused on playing and having fun with my peers. Hey I was popular at elementary.
   I became dependent to my parents and I would always let them help/DO my homework. They wanted a smart child, just like my bigger brother, but their means of achieving that wasn't smart. I had above average grades, thanks to them, but I didn't learn anything. Many embarrassing, disappointing and cringe worthy memories came from that 'era' of my life.

   By the year 2011 or '10, I started highschool. My big bro was right,  highschool sucks, unless you find a way to be popular, In my country being attractive would give you some popularity boost. Charismatic, funny and umm adult minded kids became the teacher's pet. And becoming a teacher's pet makes you popular too. Intelligence on the other hand would take you far, many smart people although lacking umm good facial features. became popular. Intelligence makes a man desirable.

  I'm good-looking, hey don't judge! It's just my observation! A lot of people told me I was good-looking! Really trust meee, Maybe they told me that because they found me somewhat peculiar. I'm quarter-Spanish, quarter Chinese and half Filipino. Can you imagine my face now? Hahaha anyway, maybe they just found me exotic or something, and they associated it with beauty.

   Remember when I told you I neglected my elementary studies? Yup, that made a huge impact on my highschool life, on my whole life.

The elementary school I went in didn't offer highschool curriculum. So, I had to transfer. To a farther one about an hour away from my home.

  During my 1st year, I felt really dumb. I can't relate to other people. I can't talk. I can't fit in. I constantly felt home-sick. I lost my weight, my confidence. I was once a charismatic child you know? And that year was my 'lowest point' in life. I guess I lost my speech skill (HA Skyrim reference) anyway I don't know if I have the right to call myself depressed but yeah, I felt really down. My mother and the maid had to literally drag me away from the bed.

(I'm not rich by the way, I'm in the middle class, the reason we had a maid was because of an agreement, we feed and provide for her education in return she would serve us as a maid, cool side-story eh?).

   It was my fault but I blamed everyone, my friends, my family, my teachers, my classmates for my state. I always thought of myself as someone who was better than them, someone who understood the world better than them. Someone who saw through the social webbings (I went full philosopher on those days). But not as skilled as them. 'Wiser', but not skilled. My life was like the Fox and the Grapes (?) parable. It was relatively good but it also kinda sucked.



I'm talking sh*t right now. Pfft maybe because i'm tired and I have to do house stuffs before my parents come home. I'll finish my story I promise! Remembering past memories then writing it down very energy draining friend. But I promise on thy umm coffee mug, I'll come back and tell you everything :)

It's time for meh chores again :( See you friend!